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About Literature / Hobbyist Member Ravyn/BethOther/United States Groups :iconbipride: bipride
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How many dozens—no, hundreds—of times have we each been asked this question? And are we ever truly honest in our answers? Probably not. We default to the expected answer, the one that doesn’t impose on the well-meaning person who doesn’t really want to hear about our problems. “I’m fine” we say, or just “good.” I know I rarely ever deviate from this particular norm.

But the truth is…A good day for me is a day when I have energy to face the day and don’t feel like crawling back under the covers of my bed. A good day for me is being able to smile for a moment or two without it being faked. A good day is a day when I have something to do to keep my mind from wandering away from the present and ever-so-slowly into the past.

Because the past is a place of regrets, of What-ifs, of disappointments and pain and fear and confusion and so many other emotions that go tumbling around my mind just behind my eyes until they force the tears out. The past is the place my heart hides from the realities of my present. The past is when I was loved by and in love with her.

Today started as a good day. But as the night wears on, my mind starts to drift to thoughts of the past, of her.

I miss her. I miss loving her, being loved by her.  Yet every time I think of what was, I know there’s no going back. I burned that bridge one too many times to think I’d be forgiven. I broke her heart just as much as she broke mine.  Besides that, we’ve both changed so much from the people we were then, would we even know how to talk to one another at all? Last time we tried, I couldn’t shake the feeling we’d forgotten how to interact, that the distance between us had just grown too great.

And I know she isn’t here anymore. She’s moved on from this place to god only knows where in the far-reaching world called Cyberspace.  She barely comes back for anything at all, it seems. And she won’t be reading this. I don’t know when she stopped “watching” me. Probably the last time I tried and failed to make it work between us.

If I really think on it…do I miss her, or is it more that I miss loving her? I’m lonely right now, though I know I won’t be lonely tomorrow. I miss having someone to just hold on to. Yet I don’t like people. I want to be alone, but I hate being lonely. Deeper and deeper these thoughts drag me into the labyrinth of my miserable mind...

So how am I today? I’m honestly not doing so well, but I’ll be fine in a little while.

  • Watching: My life as it slips on by...
  • Drinking: H2O

deviantID

RhiAnai
Ravyn/Beth
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
I'm coming out. I'm coming clean.
So alone sometimes, I wanna scream.
You say that lies are worse than murder,
So what was so wrong about loving her,
That you don't want me to say,
"Grandma, Grandpa, I'm gay"?

More accurately, I'm bi.
Yes, I like girls, but I still like guys.
Please shut your mouth, open your eyes.
I'm not asking for your approval...

Why should I ask you to approve
something that just doesn't work for you?

I'm coming out. I'm coming clean.
But before you start to scream...
Think it through...
At least I'm not in love with you.


~"Coming Clean" (c) 2014~

Favourite genre of music: I like almost all music, but especially the rock genre.
MP3 player of choice: black iPod Touch
Favourite cartoon character: Does manga count? Father Nightroad from Triniy Blood, Raenef and Eclipse from Demon Diary
Personal Quote:
"And all the woe that moved him so
That he gave that bitter cry,
And the wild regrets, and the bloody sweats,
None knew so well as I:
For he who lives more lives than one
More deaths than one must die. "
~Oscar Wilde, Ballad of Reading Gaol~
Interests

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:iconmysticflamer:
MysticFlamer Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for faving the Tiger Lilies!
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(1 Reply)
:iconkohrerisnat:
Kohrerisnat Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
Heyla you remember me?
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(1 Reply)
:iconmysticflamer:
MysticFlamer Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the watch love. Have a great day!!
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(1 Reply)
:iconxsailormercuryx:
xSailorMercuryx Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011
Its :icondavisjes: on a DA account I forgot I had. Now I can help with the bi pride group again! woot Well that is if you will have me. ^_^
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(1 Reply)
:iconwayrahyena:
WayraHyena Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2011
*tacklehugs*
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(1 Reply)
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