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August 3, 2014

To Whom It May Concern:

It has been my privilege to work as a CNA at Q------ Private Duty Care since March of 2011, and I would like to thank you for allowing me to be a part of your staff for so long. Unfortunately, it has come to the point where I need to take a step back from this career path, reduce my stress and take care of my personal life for a while. At some point, I hope to return to work as a CNA, as it has been the most emotionally rewarding and fulfilling work I have had the privilege of experiencing. For now, however, I would like to terminate my employment with you, effective from Sunday, August 17, 2014.

Again, I thank you for allowing me the honor of working with such a wonderful nursing team for the past three years. The experience has been invaluable to me.


Thank you,
Beth F-M


So, yeah. I'm going back to retail work for a while. Don't have a job lined up just yet, but with all the high school kids going back to school, positions are opening up again. It shouldn't take very long at all to get a job.

Also, ignore any random bits of code. dA is glitching the sh*t outta this journal.

  • Mood: Tense
  • Watching: My life as it slips on by...
  • Drinking: protein shake
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: strong language and ideologically sensitive material)
When I was in high school, I would tell my friends I was a phoenix. Honestly, I don’t remember now if any of them cared enough to ask what the Hell I was talking about. Or maybe they asked, and I told them some bullshit story that probably wouldn’t have made sense to me, let alone them. The truth is, I’ve never understood my affinity for that particular symbol of life, death and rebirth as well as I do now, at midnight, unable to turn off my mind long enough to sleep.

I’ve never been to a psychiatrist, not that I remember, at any rate. I never talked to my primary care physician about what I went through. I lied to my family about it. I don’t even know if I’ve told anyone who is actually a part of my life outside a computer screen. But now, someone I love is going through something I know I’ve been through. She told me that she’s thought of killing herself. And not that long ago. She’s on medication for the depression now, and she at least seems to be doing better.

In case you missed it in there, I’m self-diagnosed as being depressed. No, I am not “sad” all the time. I have my good days. But there are so many other symptoms to consider. Appetite shifts, insomnia, apathy, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, aches and pains, general malcontent, mood swings, suicidal thoughts. All are things I have gone through, and some I still experience. All of which has screwed up my life in so many ways. The strangest thing about my self-diagnosis is the fact that I have never wanted, and still don’t want, to seek help. A close second is the fact that the one and only time I ever seriously considered offing myself was not the moment I realized I had a serious problem. That came later. In college.

So, yeah, I would keep this to myself for the rest of my life, but this person I love so much…I know she needs and wants support. She doesn’t want to reach out to my mother (who suffered from a serious bout of depression after my maternal grandmother’s death) but she’s willing to confide in me. I don’t have the balls to tell her about this to her face, but I’m going to try to write it down. I’m going to try to get the words right. I’m going to try to be honest here, where I know she’ll see sooner or later. Where I know my parents won’t see, ever.

A quick recap of things I’ve already owned up to here on deviantART: I lost every single friend when I was in 6th grade, so about 11 years old or so. I was then bullied all the way up to my high school graduation. Stupid shit, gossip, verbal harassment, being called lesbian because one of my female friends presented as kinda “butch.” (This was before I realized I was bi, so I was a bit offended back then. Oddly enough, I was never attracted to her.) In sophomore year of high school, 14 years old, I planned my suicide in detail, then dismissed the idea as too selfish and cowardly.  At 17, I came out at school and to my parents, and I started dating my first, and so far only, girlfriend. And suddenly, the gay slurs stopped. Which was a bit bizarre to me. Still feel like that one should have been the other way around.

The end of senior year through my first semester of college…that is the period of time I look back on as the best part of my life. Up until the end of my first semester, I was a straight-A-or-above student who’d taken AP English, biology and government courses in my last year of high school. I was relatively healthy, if asthmatic, allergic to anything that wasn’t food or medicine and about 30 pounds overweight. The only time I really got sick back then was when the water fountains at my high school all seemed to be contaminated with strep, so that I caught it back-to-back for almost a month.

Then my body decided that, since I wouldn’t kill myself, it would try to do the job for me. God, I’m shaking just getting ready to actually type this out…

I stopped sleeping more than four hours a night. I got nauseous any time I tried to eat anything even remotely healthy. I couldn’t focus on anything that I knew was important. I couldn’t bring myself to care about school, which had always been my refuge and my passion. I was so fucking tired all the time. I stopped having fun with my roleplay writing. I couldn’t bring myself to write anything else. And, above all, I didn’t want to tell anyone what was happening to me.

I still remember family suppers. My grandparents would be in town, so we’d be eating at the table. I’d be choking down every bite until I couldn’t take it anymore. Excusing myself from the table while they were busy talking about things that will never truly be important (but you’ll still talk about constantly because important things are hard to talk about), I’d lock myself in the bathroom and turn on the fan. Run the faucet. Try to make as little noise as possible as my stomach forced itself up through my throat, past my tongue, into the toilet bowl. I never forced myself to regurgitate the food. I just couldn’t keep it down. The only foods that didn’t make me nauseous were sweets and pastries. Thus began my love affair with Starbucks. I could at least pretend their banana bread was healthy, and tea has natural antioxidants, right? Forget the “freshman fifteen,” this particular issue gave me a college weight gain of about one hundred pounds.

Sitting in one of my anthropology lecture halls, we were studying primatology. I wanted so desperately to become a forensic anthropologist, just like Bones. Yet, for the entire hour of lecture, I only caught and retained about ten minutes’ worth of fragmented information. I had two lines of notes written. The worst part about this one…my family keeps telling me that if I was as passionate about anthropology as I claimed to be, I would have done more, done better, done whatever it took to make it happen. It’s not like I didn’t want to. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything.

And at this point, I’m starting to cry. I can barely force these fucking words out. I can’t sit still. My throat hurts. I can’t do this…But I have to do this. This isn’t for me. This is for her. She needs to know I understand what she’s going through. That I’m proud of her for getting the help I still can’t bring myself to want. So, I’m going to force myself to keep typing while I rock back and forth, and keep blinking the tears out of my eyes so I can see the screen to fix every damn typo. I’m going to push through this for her. For her.

The moment that scared me. The moment I knew I was in trouble. The moment I knew I needed help. The moment I knew that I should tell someone. The moment I knew I needed the medicine. The moment I decided I would rather die than be put on medicine for this.

I was on my way to class. I collapsed to my knees on the sidewalk. I was that physically weak. I was so fucking shaken. I pushed to my feet and stumbled to the stairwell. I sat down. I pulled out my laptop. I didn’t go to class. It wasn’t the first class I skipped. I’d been feeling weak for a while, and the apathy was nearly impossible to argue my way out of. I could barely concentrate on conversations with my internet friends, let alone my lessons. But this…This scared me to my core.

I went to college for two years. I passed the first semester with flying colors. Over the course of the next three semesters, my grades fell consistently to the point where I even managed to get an Incomplete in philosophy. I flunked out of college. And I can’t regret it the way I know I should. Because the moment it was over. The moment I couldn’t go back if I tried…I felt better. I could eat again. I regained my strength. I could focus. I started sleeping about six or seven hours a night. I cared again. I could smile and mean it again.

So about that phoenix. Why am I so drawn to it? Why do I identify with that magnificent bird?

I’ve been seared to my soul, not once but twice, by the chaotic feeling and horrific physical symptoms of my disease. Each time, I came out of it with new knowledge, new strength, new levels of respect for myself and what my body is trying to tell me about who I need to be for my own sanity’s sake. I have literally risen from the ashes of my low times as a newer, stronger person. I have reinvented myself to be myself, to show more of my reality. To tell my story. To help others like me through my stories. To write and feel and know that I can relapse if I’m not careful.

I’m coming close to another relapse. I can feel the stress building. I can feel the apathy clouding my emotions. I can tell that my concentration is starting to slip. But I learned from last time. I’m pushing through it.

I can’t handle food very well right now? Fine. I’ll have a protein shake and a multivitamin. No sense spending what little money I have on things that are only going to make me more overweight, which will only increase my negative emotions.

I can’t focus right now, and I’m at home alone? Fine. Time to blast Jeffree Star songs, strip to my undies and dance with my dogs. See if I can’t trigger my endorphins to make me feel better.

I’m too tired to get up and do something right now? Fine. I’ll go online, catch up on my favorite blogs and chat with some friends.

I’m tired AND can’t focus? Well, shit…I guess I might as well turn on the TV for the first time this week. Snuggle with my dogs and laugh at Castle.

It’s one o’clock in the morning, and I should be getting up in a few hours, yet I can’t sleep? Fuck my life. Time to write something.
Forged From Fire
So, yeah...Please don't tell me to get help. Please don't tell me I need a shrink. Please don't tell me I need meds. I already know these things. The person I wrote this for will know who she is. Everyone else, don't bother asking. I promised her I would keep it to myself.
Loading...
Supposedly if you've seen over 85 films, you have no life.  Mark the ones you've seen. There are over 270 films on this list. Copy this list, go to your own facebook account, paste this as a note. Then, put X's next to the films you've seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom. Have fun!

( ) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
( ) Grease 2
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
( ) Boondock Saints
( ) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
( ) Blazing Saddles
Total so far:  4

(x) The Neverending Story
( ) The Neverending Story II
( ) The Neverending Story III
( ) Airplane
(x) The Princess Bride
( ) Willow
( ) Anchorman
( ) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Labyrinth
Total so far: 6

( ) Saw
( ) Saw II
( ) Saw III
( ) Saw IV
( ) Saw V
(x) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
( ) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
Total so far: 8

(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
( ) Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
( ) I Know What You Did Last Summer
( ) I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
(x) The Shining
( ) Candyman
( ) Stand By Me
Total so far: 11

( ) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(x) Resident Evil 1
(x) Resident Evil 2
( ) American Pie
( ) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 13

(x) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
(x) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
(x) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
(x) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
(x) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
(x) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
(x) Finding Nemo
Total so far: 22

( ) Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
( ) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
( ) Robots
Total so far: 26

( ) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
( ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
( ) King Pin
( ) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
Total so far: 28

( ) Joe Dirt
( ) King Kong
(x) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
(x) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
( ) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
( ) Halloween
( ) Surviving Christmas
Total so far: 30

(x) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
(x) Final Destination 3
(x) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
(x) Flubber
( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
( ) Chicago
(x) Ghost Ship
Total so far: 37

( ) From Hell
(x) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(x) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
Total so far: 39

( ) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married  
(x) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
(x) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 43

( ) Bad Boys
(x) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Slevin
( ) Ocean's Eleven
( ) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Ocean's Thirteen
( ) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremacy
( ) Bourne Ultimatum
Total so far: 46

( ) Sixteen Candles
( ) Pretty in Pink
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
( ) Predator
( ) Predator II
(x) The Princess and the Frog
(x) Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George
Total so far: 48

(x) Independence Day
(x) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss's Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
Total so far: 54

(x) Rush Hour
( ) Rush Hour 2
( ) Rush Hour 3
( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
Total so far: 56

(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
( ) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
( ) The Terminator
( ) The Terminator 2
( ) The Terminator 3
(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-Men:The Last Stand
Total so far: 61

(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
( ) Spider-Man 3
(x) Sky High
(x) Jeepers Creepers
(x) Jeepers Creepers 2
( ) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
Total so far: 68

( ) The Skulls
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
(x) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
(x) Shrek the Third
( ) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
( ) Old School
Total so far: 73

( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
(x) The 40-Year-Old Virgin
(x) The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(x) The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x) The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Total so far: 77

( ) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
( ) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
( ) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
(x) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
( ) Love and Basketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
(x) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
(x) Elf
Total so far: 80

( ) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
( ) American History X
( ) Three
( ) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
Total so far: 82

(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
(x) The Incredible Hulk
( ) Dawn Of the Dead
( ) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Total so far: 87

(x) 28 days later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
( ) Waterworld
( ) Kill Bill vol 1
( ) Kill Bill vol 2
( ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
(x) The Hills Have Eyes
Total so far: 89

( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
( ) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
( ) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
( ) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
( ) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
( ) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 89

( ) Re-Animator
( ) Army of Darkness
(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
( )  The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
( ) Evil Dead
( ) Evil Dead 2
( ) Team America: World Police
( ) Ghost Town
Total so far: 91

( ) Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
( ) Hannibal
( ) Wall-E
( ) Batman Begins
(x) The Dark Knight
( ) The Prestige
(x) Cars
( ) Gone With The Wind
( ) Top Gun
Total: 94

Now put "I've seen XXX out of 270 movies" in the subject line (filling in your total in the blank), repost it, and tag some of your friends (including the person who tagged you) to see if they reply.


Moral of the story. Not only do I not have a life, but my non-life consists of some movies viewed entirely without the context of the rest of their series....

Tagging anyone who actually wastes 5 minutes of their life looking at this.
  • Mood: Tired
  • Listening to: Feeling the nostalgia of late 90s pop music
  • Reading: Strike that. About to force myself to write.
  • Watching: I'll never get anything done at this rate!
  • Playing: dumb.
  • Eating: Just ate.
  • Drinking: ...Good question...
So, I haven't updated much lately. Haven't really been big on the whole deviantART scene since me and WayraHyena stopped dating a couple years ago. BUT! I have news for those of you who watch me for my LGBT related writings!

I'm starting a new writing project (hoping that, come Hell or High Water, I actually FINISH this one)! It's going to be called Miranda, and it'll be the story of a transgendered girl named Miranda (*gasp* Who'd have thought that'd be her name?) as told by her very best friend, Connor. The story has a lot of painful moments, as well as a tragic ending, but there are some good things, too!

I'm just...having a little trouble...writing it. ^^; Honestly, I have the entire plot planned out. I just need to put it to words.

Wish me luck!

-B
  • Mood: Stuck
  • Listening to: Matt Fishel on shuffle and repeat
  • Drinking: protein shake
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: ideologically sensitive material)
I lie awake at night
Thinking about my life
And what I'd do differently
If she were still with me.

I still remember how it went
from hanging out to more than friends...
Two stupid little notes
We both lied about who we wrote 'em to
"It's another friend, not you."
(But God, I love you!)

After two years, we fell apart.
I still regret breaking her heart,
But we had to face the fact,
High school sweethearts rarely last.

I'm cracking up. I'm breaking down.
And I wish that I could leave this town.
Can't take these secrets anymore.
Let 'em all crash to the floor.

Fast forward my life, just a few more years.
Too many secrets, too many tears.
And I still don't sleep at night,
There's just too much that's on my mind...

I never really liked him all that well,
But as least with him, I could kiss and tell...
Then again, we're better off as friends.
Rewind the fucking clock and start again,
Let's pretend that never happened!
(Feel's like it never happened, anyway.)

I'm cracking up. I'm breaking down.
And I wish that I could leave this town.
Can't take these secrets anymore.
Let 'em all crash to the floor.

I love you Mom. I love you Dad.
And I know this is gonna make you mad.
You told me that I should never tell,
You swore they'd all scream and yell.
(Well, maybe they're the ones that'll burn in Hell.
And maybe that's just as well.)

I'm cracking up. I'm breaking down.
Can't take these secrets anymore!

I'm coming out. I'm coming clean.
So alone sometimes, I wanna scream.
You say that lies are worse than murder,
So what was so wrong about loving her,
That you don't want me to say,
"Grandma, Grandpa, I'm gay"?

More accurately, I'm bi.
Yes, I like girls, but I still like guys.
Please shut your mouth, open your eyes.
I'm not asking for your approval...

Why should I ask you to approve
something that just doesn't work for you?

I'm coming out. I'm coming clean.
But before you start to scream...
Think it through...
At least I'm not in love with you.
Coming Clean
So, this idea wouldn't leave me alone and let me sleep. Enjoy the song my voice'll never work well enough to actually sing.
Loading...

August 3, 2014

To Whom It May Concern:

It has been my privilege to work as a CNA at Q------ Private Duty Care since March of 2011, and I would like to thank you for allowing me to be a part of your staff for so long. Unfortunately, it has come to the point where I need to take a step back from this career path, reduce my stress and take care of my personal life for a while. At some point, I hope to return to work as a CNA, as it has been the most emotionally rewarding and fulfilling work I have had the privilege of experiencing. For now, however, I would like to terminate my employment with you, effective from Sunday, August 17, 2014.

Again, I thank you for allowing me the honor of working with such a wonderful nursing team for the past three years. The experience has been invaluable to me.


Thank you,
Beth F-M


So, yeah. I'm going back to retail work for a while. Don't have a job lined up just yet, but with all the high school kids going back to school, positions are opening up again. It shouldn't take very long at all to get a job.

Also, ignore any random bits of code. dA is glitching the sh*t outta this journal.

  • Mood: Tense
  • Watching: My life as it slips on by...
  • Drinking: protein shake

deviantID

RhiAnai
Beth
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
I'm coming out. I'm coming clean.
So alone sometimes, I wanna scream.
You say that lies are worse than murder,
So what was so wrong about loving her,
That you don't want me to say,
"Grandma, Grandpa, I'm gay"?

More accurately, I'm bi.
Yes, I like girls, but I still like guys.
Please shut your mouth, open your eyes.
I'm not asking for your approval...

Why should I ask you to approve
something that just doesn't work for you?

I'm coming out. I'm coming clean.
But before you start to scream...
Think it through...
At least I'm not in love with you.


~"Coming Clean" (c) 2014~

Favourite genre of music: I like almost all music, but especially the rock genre.
MP3 player of choice: black iPod Touch
Favourite cartoon character: Does manga count? Father Nightroad from Triniy Blood, Raenef and Eclipse from Demon Diary
Personal Quote: "And all the woe that moved him so/That he gave that bitter cry,/And the wild regrets, and the bloody sweats,/None knew so well as I:/For he who lives more lives than one/More deaths than one must die. " ~Oscar Wilde, Ballad of Reading Gaol~
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:iconmysticflamer:
MysticFlamer Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for faving the Tiger Lilies!
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:iconkohrerisnat:
Kohrerisnat Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
Heyla you remember me?
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:iconmysticflamer:
MysticFlamer Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the watch love. Have a great day!!
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:iconxsailormercuryx:
xSailorMercuryx Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2011
Its :icondavisjes: on a DA account I forgot I had. Now I can help with the bi pride group again! woot Well that is if you will have me. ^_^
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:iconwayrahyena:
WayraHyena Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2011
*tacklehugs*
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